Being listened to is a gift

Listening is regarded as a process through which we gain information, ideas, understanding, learning and (sometimes) pleasure. The benefits are enjoyed by the listener, with the speaker's role limited to that of a provider.

But as a coach, I am convinced that listening is of greater benefit to the speaker than to the listener. When you speak, knowing that the listener is actively listening and evaluating what you are saying and understanding the thoughts, feelings and ideas you are communicating, you begin to understand those thoughts, feelings and ideas in a new way. You become bolder and begin to say things that you may not have understood or expected to say before.

This does not mean that you will unexpectedly blurt out your inner secrets to a complete stranger just because they are listening to you. So often our thoughts and ideas exist in our brains as a jumble of disconnected, vague half-sentences, but when we are encouraged to articulate them out loud, they transform into logical expressions. Having the space to speak and giving yourself permission to say what you are thinking to a person who is really listening starts a process where you begin to hear what you are saying, perhaps for the first time.

In writing this blog, I knew the overall message I wanted to convey, but until I had put the draft into words and sentences, it had no logical form or structure. After several revisions and rewrites, I have created something that hopefully says what I want it to in a way that the reader will understand. I have written a more complete piece based on the jumble of ideas I started with.

Saying our thoughts out loud is the same, but it is a more dynamic and explosive process which requires a good listener, otherwise you may as well be screaming into the void. It is essential that the listener is non-judgemental and confidential. A good listener will also use additional skills to summarise, question, reflect and sometimes challenge what you are saying so that your content is clarified and none of it is lost.

The result is that your numerous thoughts and ideas are condensed into a structure which defines where you are now and what you really are thinking about the next steps you need to take. Being listened to enables you to understand your own facts and issues; it is an essential starting point in the process of change. You cannot move forward until you have worked out where you are.

In a busy world we have little time to reflect, let alone talk, and it may seem indulgent to ask somebody to just listen to us, but it is an important and crucial intervention. When work is hard, most of us just carry on; we may be offered more CPD, management training, drugs or talking therapies. These 'solutions' are not usually the answer. Instead, we need the opportunity and space to find out where we are and where we want to go next.

If work is not the fun place it used to be, or if you are no longer satisfied with your performance, perhaps you need to evaluate your goals and solutions? Talking to a coach with strong listening skills would be a good place to start.

To start the process, please book a free 30 minute, no-obligation, confidential conversation here.